Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

Some say he showers with his white overalls on, and that caravan makers consult him on hubcap designs. All we know is he’s called the stig

Nought to 60, for instance takes more than 10 seconds and that makes it slower than a 1.8 litre Kia Shuma. Which in turn is slower than an asthmatic pensioner running across a ploughed field in muddy wellies.

“It’s a supercharged great white, a fearsome beast, a killer, a man hunter”

It was rubbish when it was new, it was built by idiots, and it’s rubbish now.

Top Gear: Complete Season 13 (3pc)

On the Alfa Romeo Brera

I only have to imagine this in black, with tan
leather and I’m nursing a semi!

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

They (darts players) should all be called the fat bastard who hates his wife and kids so much he’d rather spend his evenings throwing arrows into a bit of bristle with his fat and disgusting friends.

A general rule of thumb. If a car has less than 100 horsepower, it is never safe to pull into the outside lane if there is a car in sight…even if it’s three miles away. If a car has less than 60 horsepower, it is never safe to pull into the outside lane at all.

A turbo: Exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

To be born Italian and male is to win the first prize in the lottery of life

Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That’s what gets you.

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.

… the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

Clarkson shouting at a Volvo 340 seconds before it is put through a crusher:

This is for every time I’ve caught you dawdling at junctions, this is for every time I’ve caught you doing 4 miles per hour in a motorway. This is PAYBACK TIME!

I’m gonna have to explain all this to my nine years old boy… Who’s ten I’ve just remembered!

On Global Warming

It’s the coldest march for twenty years because of global warming.

Clarkson on Fog

It is very foggy out there today, but you’ll note The Stig doesn’t have his rear fog lights on, because of course he’s not a blithering idiot.

It’s, um, a mobile phone holder, or as Richard Hammond calls it, a seat!

On nuclear submarines

Britain’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because they don’t have wheel-chair access.

On the RSPCA

I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal’s duty to be on my plate at supper time.

(On the evolution of the Golf GTI between MkI and MkV) I voted for this as the greatest car of the 20th century. Over the years, however, the Golf GTI got bigger, and fatter, and slower. Think of it as Elvis Presley. It started off all athletic and full of vigour, and wound up on the lavatory, an enormous, dribbling hulk.

If you like the “Top Gear” TV show but you wish it was made of paper and didn’t move around so much, this is the answer to your prayers. “The Big Book of Top Gear” is packed full of all the chunky, meaty, sometimes-a-bit-on-fire goodness of the telly programme, with the added bonus that you can read it in the bath. Among other things you’ll find: 27 previously unknown facts about the Stig; some of the most powerful cars ever to attack the track; the raunchy story of Richard Hammond’s love affair with a small Opel; an essential guide to May-style sheds for the modern gentleman; everything you wanted to know, but never found out, about Top Gear’s most exciting trips; and, comprehensive, fully illustrated arguments against both public transport and the humble caravan. Packed with action and all the power you’d expect from the petrol heads at Top Gear, “The Big Book 2009″ is the must-have for fans of “Top Gear”, from teenagers to granddads and everyone in between.

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Jeremy Clarkson Video Quote #5